esplanade library is gorgeous, uni apps aren’t. actually the thought of explaining my entire existence in less than 1400 characters or so is daunting. i want the admissions directors to know who exactly i am, but am i sure of it myself? i’ve gone through many evolutions, 180 deg swings for personality, from extro to intro to back again to extro, driven to unsure, uncertain, back to driven like how i earned a place in raffles is earning it good enough? is being the best i can be good enough? surely it cant, there are variations to good, i may not be the same person i am in another few years or so, how can they predict that what they want to produce is what they produce at the end of a good 4-5 years or so
are mere statements loaded with promise good enough? there is only so much words can convey, there are only so much conversations can convey. only actions are truly synonymous with who you can be and who you are and it’s so difficult, a part of me wants to challenge the system but what’s the better alternative? an opportunity cost forgone, i would never know.
today, was reading hazlitt’s one lesson of economics and im very delightfully surprised at his very simplistic style of writing : lovely. also i wished during my econs paper that i had finished hazlitt’s book a bit earlier, bc his argument came out !!!! and i was like bruh i know this *hands up in the air like gurl i know this ish*
i knew chem was disastrous, more than about time i revisit foundations and assure myself of an A by the end of the year. on a sidenote, its the last phase of the syf chiong, less than 2 weeks to performance, muscles aching but it’s all good, i love the pain of knowing I’ve worked really hard to a goal i truly want to achieve, albeit the drama that came with us getting the performance to this stage. every single time i take a step, it hurts but it’s the fulfilling kind of hurt. we’ll see where this goes, i need to let myself come to peace with the fact that i will go to where i need to go, overseas or not and that place would best prepare me for where i want to be, parallel to what the universe needs me to be. im just going to do my best till there 🙂
I cannot breathe. Weird swirling sensation at the base of my throat, at the core of my heart. It’s heavy and sinking and sinks. And sinks.
Never going to be good at anything, good enough to be someone.
Thousand things on my mind and everything’s coming crashing towards me; it’s as if I’ve lost all my previous motivation to do things. Honestly cannot sit still for more than 30 minutes. It’s not even fucking fair.
Dance isn’t going right at all. The amount of effort I’m putting in is disproportional to the amount of results I’m getting. It’s infuriating when you try so hard and practice and practice and nothing goes your fucking way. Sometimes, I think I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but then, if I don’t push myself, who will? Assamese is a really fun dance but I think my execution is close to zero of its actual presentation. Ms Lavanya is going to kill me. She’s already being really nice and she’s being extremely nice and I really want to keep it that way. But but but she’s going to cry when she sees me dance so …
Bollywood’s a mess. I don’t even know what to do anymore. I think seniors are exceptionally pissed off with me because of the jennifer ma’am drama and all. It’s scary that we are the only dance left and I know I’m partly the cause of it because I dragged my teacher in. The fact that I had to drag her out was fucking scary too. I’m pretty sure everyone’s pissed at me and I’m really pissed at myself because I felt as if nothing is going right for the CCA because of me. Oh crap. Will put in my 120% tomorrow because I don’t want to let my seniors, batch mates, juniors down. Aiya my seniors deserve better.
Failed everything and anything I can for my academic and my dad hates me. Everyone hates me. To be very frank, I’ve been a bad friend to many over the past 6 months and I don’t think I’ve been particularly nice/ caring/ concerned about them when I have to be.
I feel so depressed, so many shit not going the way I want. Even my birthday sucked.
My stamina for all-nighters has diminished.
I am sad. and unhappy. and sleepy.
So many responsibilities, sometimes I just hate myself.
I love my mom. She just gave me a couple of snacks to snack when I get hungry into the night. Aaah crap. Welcome to incomplete eating cycles and vvvv little of a sleepy cycle.
everyday is a boxer
he comes at you hard
sometimes a little crooked
sometimes a miss
you are the target
he will keep coming
he will keep punching
you will NOT give up.
you will NOT fall,
you will stand thereafter,
I went to phuket for hols! 🙂 due to some horrible problem, I can’t upload photos now! but I’ll give yall a nice review of it HAHHAHA
anyways, we went there on tuesday! it was a really short trip but it was lovely! I love shopping there omg; i got like 2 jumpsuits for $4 each and a lovely dress and tights for really cheap prices so yup! it was lovely.
there were so many transgenders there; they called themselves “ladyboys” They were the first group of yknow in betweens I met and they were so proud of who they were. I mean it’s weird and all, but they are really lovely human beings in the inside. They are warm and they called you darlings ( which leaves a warm and fuzzy feeling hello pls). And they were really sensitive to people’s feelings. We arrived in the night and it was so scary bc everywhere there were a 1000 electrical cables hanging down all bunched up and I thought I might get electrocuted at one point.
On a side note, I’m writing this now a whole week later bc sch prep and all HAHAH. And I was so tired.
We went snorkelling, went to maya beach and patong island and swam. The water was dayum salty like it’s seawater and it’s meant to be salty but SO SALTY. Yuck, but ooh the fishes were terrifying. They just come at you and it’s TERRIFYING. Like shoals of fish attacking your bare legs – it’s a bit scary! So I stayed at the rocky area and threw bread to the middle of the sea and kicked sand ( sorry self defense) at the fishes so they didn’t really come near me. But karma biatches, so later when I did fish spa, all the poor fishes left to eat my dead skin cells attacked my foot with tickly kisses and yup, my foot was smooth afterwards but the whole 15 minutes was an enriching ( and scary) experience hahaha.
It was short 2 day visit haha but I really enjoyed every minute of it. And I ended the trip with a really really good tom yum soup IT WAS SO DELICIOUS YOU CANT DESCRIBE IT ITS SO CLOSE TO SPICY HEAVEN AAAHHHH
Spew of photos soon (:
Also I straightened my hair before I went and omg the hotel bathrooms were see through hahahha my dad had a tough time but okayyy bye bye
but yeah bye