Sometimes, I feel the need to talk serious to myself. As much as I would love to talk about stuff that makes me happy and all, the future scares me. What I do now has an indefinite effect on the future and I live with that knowledge present in my subconscious but I can’t do things to change what I’ve already brought upon myself. Sometimes, I just hate the fact that I was even born and maybe I’m more of a curse and I cause more trouble to anyone than be an actual blessing.
The crux of all my parents’ fights have always been me and that’s a thought that always seemed to depress me. The feeling that I’m being continuously compared to my sister. Which is quite shitty. Really.
I want to make 2014 a good year for me. I think everyone wants it but nobody really works for it. I had a whole list of plans for 2013 and I think I probably only achieved 50% of it. First of all, grades. Well, I wanted to get a pretty decent 3.6 overall GPA ( is that too much to wish for? ) – I fell short of it by a teeny weeny bit but still, I didn’t make it. I brought up my science scores, but my math – yup, failed it horribly and terribly. I wanted to get into LitRa, but didn’t even make it to the first round so :(((((. But the passion counts more right? :))) I wanted to be a really good dancer, a part of the SYF performance and I wanted to do my part really well without getting kicked out of the dance ( which I did). I really hate the feeling of having failed so many things this year. All I wanted was to be good bharatanatyam dancer but I had a deal with my parents and that was to bring up my grades to only CONSIDER having dance lessons at oschool and fine arts academy. And I failed. Again. I wanted to get into the french immersion programme ( didn’t get that too.) So, to sum up, a shitty year topped up with a few sprinkles. A few, really few sprinkles of happiness this year. Again. I guess it boils down to the fact that I’m being too hard on myself or that I’m defining success with a bundle of great expectations. Success to me is being the best I can in every single thing I do. I need to be grateful and more appreciative to what I have, but I can’t seem to. Last year, when I did something, it was out of my own heart, out of pure kindness. But this year, I just feel more immune and selfish and very impassive when people share their problems with me. I have a whole lot of problems myself. Friendship-wise, grade wise, family-wise , attitude-wise, everything else – wise. You name it. I was never happy or satisfied with what I’ve accomplished this year. Even years are supposed to be good years for me, but that is now, one of the crappiest theories I’ve probably ever came up with.
I’m going to start 2014 afresh and well, as daunting a task it might seem, because I’ve got to make a huge leap for a lot of things, I will fking do it. And I mean it. A lot.
List of things:
1. Appreciate stuff more- family, friends, anyone that supports you.
2. Bite your tongue and don’t talk back. People mean good for you and MUST MUST MUST keep that in mind when my parents talk. Eventhough sometimes they can be liberal with my opinions, I must learn how to shut up and not say things that may cause due harm in the future.
3. GRADES. I must make a conscious effort to clear doubts and not sweep them all under the carpet until it becomes a huge lump and I trip and fall over it myself. Hard. Especially math and science. Always been my greatest strength and weakness. Will always be.
4. Dance. Passionate about this. I want to brush up my bharatanatyam stuff before Ms Lavanya kills me for the already-killing aramandi and stuff. I love to dance, dance to live. will always love. And for that, I need to build my stamina. I can’t even run a 2.4km in 20 minutes because my stamina sucks that bad. I got to get up early to do pilates or something, I am really out of stamina. I just tried to do fifteen fking sit-ups and I couldn’t even do one properly. I’ve built up 3 or 4 tyre-worth of fats 😦 I want to go back to JenM’s dance class for bollywood fun dances. Though she can be really strict and the class can be tiring., it’s always so fun to be back and dance all the fun dances. Next year is concert year so must make a concerted effort to make my dances extroadinary :)))
5. Writing. I always compared myself to great great writers and still have a long way to go. I have a LONG LONG list of words to learn and write and yeah, so much to do.
6. I need to have a heart. I have to be nicer, especially to my math tuition teacher. He tried to be good friends with me but all I do is to glare back at him. I have to be stop being so critical and judgmental of everyone and I must give people a fair chance to prove themselves worthy. I want to sign up for kkares ( this comes across pretty random now I know) but I think it’s a pretty good cause and a little help can go a long way.
7. I need to get into the french immersion trip programme. My dad doesn’t want a holiday to France because my mum hates long flights and Europe currency shit is getting to him plus we’re broke. And so, if I really want to get into this programme, I need to put my best foot forward for french ( great use of alliteration omg) but yes, I have to.
8. MPP. My team has been greatly slacking off the proposal so we better brush up and get ourselves into the programme. Because I think it’s a great one.
9. To learn to be a happier and more optimistic individual. I should to not let people get in my way to things I want to do. And also, a more organised person. I want next year to be a great year. I wouldn’t want anything to destroy the ideal year I have in mind. Maybe I should leave a little leeway for a problem or too, but yes, majority of the year- I need to make this good to make up for the whole 2 years’ worth of really bad shots at success. 🙂