so pissed

I think I’m taking pissed to a whole new level. Pissed is a word I use 90% of the day because something is always making me frustrated or angry or pissed. I’m so PISSED that my sister doesn’t want to go to rgs. Okay, I love my school and all, and I know every school had its pros and cons. Maybe NJ is a good school, but I hate the fact that my sister is so against RGS. She doesn’t think it’s a novel concept and RG is getting a bit overrated. I daresay, it’s true to a certain extent, but each individual in RG has an entirely different experience catered to them. No experience is the same and every experience has its own shine, novelty. My dad is just trying to make things worse and put me in an awful mood because he thinks RGS is very CCA orientated. Not true, this is true to every school. The government just want people to have  HOLISTIC education and much emphasis is being placed on other talents students have. It develops the person as a whole.I just proved my dad’s theory all right when I flunked math and my GPA suffered an all time low. And all I want to do is to smack myself so hard in the fking face. Me failing math has given my sister and my father a dangerous pathway to trod on and I am not quite enjoying this. My mum’s still playing safe and tries to comfort both parties. But I do have a strong notion that my mum’s secretly with my father and sister.

This has made so pissed THAT I want to cry and die. Pshhhhh

RGS girl and all, I might complain that my school has many problems, but I think it’s imperfectly perfect the way it is ( I love my school) . I don’t whether I’m being biased or not, my practical mind isn’t first priority. My emotions play firsthand at decision making before I really think it through and rationalise.

Fk. I am so pissed.

past, present and future

Sometimes, I feel the need to talk serious to myself. As much as I would love to talk about stuff that makes me happy and all, the future scares me. What I do now has an indefinite effect on the future and I live with that knowledge present in my subconscious but I can’t do things to change what I’ve already brought upon myself. Sometimes, I just hate the fact that I was even born and maybe I’m more of a curse and I cause more trouble to anyone than be an actual blessing.

The crux of all my parents’ fights have always been me and that’s a thought that always seemed to depress me. The feeling that I’m being continuously compared to my sister. Which is quite shitty. Really.

I want to make 2014 a good year for me. I think everyone wants it but nobody really works for it. I had a whole list of plans for 2013 and I think I probably only achieved 50% of it. First of all, grades. Well, I wanted to get a pretty decent 3.6 overall GPA ( is that too much to wish for? ) – I fell short of it by a teeny weeny bit but still, I didn’t make it. I brought up my science scores, but my math – yup, failed it horribly and terribly. I wanted to get into LitRa, but didn’t even make it to the first round so :(((((. But the passion counts more right? :))) I wanted to be a really good dancer, a part of the SYF performance and I wanted to do my part really well without getting kicked out of the dance ( which I did). I really hate the feeling of having failed so many things this year. All I wanted was to be good bharatanatyam dancer but I had a deal with my parents and that was to bring up my grades to only CONSIDER having dance lessons at oschool and fine arts academy. And I failed. Again. I wanted to get into the french immersion programme ( didn’t get that too.) So, to sum up, a shitty year topped up with a few sprinkles. A few, really few sprinkles of happiness this year. Again. I guess it boils down to the fact that I’m being too hard on myself or that I’m defining success with a bundle of great expectations. Success to me is being the best I can in every single thing I do. I need to be grateful and more appreciative to what I have, but I can’t seem to. Last year, when I did something, it was out of my own heart, out of pure kindness. But this year, I just feel more immune and selfish and very impassive when people share their problems with me. I have a whole lot of problems myself. Friendship-wise, grade wise, family-wise , attitude-wise, everything else – wise. You name it. I was never happy or satisfied with what I’ve accomplished this year. Even years are supposed to be good years for me, but that is now, one of the crappiest theories I’ve probably ever came up with.

I’m going to start 2014 afresh and well, as daunting a task it might seem, because I’ve got to make a huge leap for a lot of things, I will fking do it. And I mean it. A lot.

List of things:

1. Appreciate stuff more- family, friends, anyone that supports you.

2. Bite your tongue and don’t talk back. People mean good for you and MUST MUST MUST keep that in mind when my parents talk. Eventhough sometimes they can be liberal with my opinions, I must learn how to shut up and not say things that may cause due harm in the future.

3. GRADES. I must make a conscious effort to clear doubts and not sweep them all under the carpet until it becomes a huge lump and I trip and fall over it myself. Hard. Especially math and science. Always been my greatest strength and weakness. Will always be.

4. Dance. Passionate about this. I want to brush up my bharatanatyam stuff before Ms Lavanya kills me for the already-killing aramandi and stuff. I love to dance, dance to live. will always love. And for that, I need to build my stamina. I can’t even run a 2.4km in 20 minutes because my stamina sucks that bad. I got to get up early to do pilates or something, I am really out of stamina. I just tried to do fifteen fking sit-ups and I couldn’t even do one properly. I’ve built up 3 or 4 tyre-worth of fats 😦  I want to go back to JenM’s dance class for bollywood fun dances. Though she can be really strict and the class can be tiring., it’s always so fun to be back and dance all the fun dances. Next year is concert year so must make a concerted effort to make my dances extroadinary :)))

5. Writing. I always compared myself to great great writers and still have a long way to go. I have a LONG LONG list of words to learn and write and yeah, so much to do.

6. I need to have a heart. I have to be nicer, especially to my math tuition teacher. He tried to be good friends with me but all I do is to glare back at him. I have to be stop being so critical and judgmental of everyone and I must give people a fair chance to prove themselves worthy. I want to sign up for kkares ( this comes across pretty random now I know) but I think it’s a pretty good cause and a little help can go a long way.

7. I need to get into the french immersion trip programme. My dad doesn’t want a holiday to France because my mum hates long flights and Europe currency shit is getting to him plus we’re broke. And so, if I really want to get into this programme, I need to put my best foot forward for french ( great use of alliteration omg) but yes, I have to.

8. MPP. My team has been greatly slacking off the proposal so we better brush up and get ourselves into the programme. Because I think it’s a great one.

9. To learn to be a happier and more optimistic individual. I should to not let people get in my way to things I want to do. And also, a more organised person. I want next year to be a great year. I wouldn’t want anything to destroy the ideal year I have in mind. Maybe I should leave a little leeway for a problem or too, but yes, majority of the year- I need to make this good to make up for the whole 2 years’ worth of really bad shots at success. 🙂

week: so far, so good

family matters are getting better and I’m extremely happy now (: ooh so last saturday, I went out for shopping!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE shopping okay? It’s a nice feeling treating yourself ( except the money part of course). But I got a really pretty brown leather belt in OG and really really cute socks, shoes and patterned leggings at uniqlo! <emYIPEEEEE \O/ and PINK SHORTS! and all of them were on sale! also, I’m sort of tuition hopping bc my parents want me to go and I sort of-ish want to go for an ivy league university (I’m aiming high even after being a lazy potato hahahah) so yeah :((( I hate tuition- generally, I dislike the feeling of not being able to do things myself and sometimes, you have to ask for help? I have to admit, that I probably have this balloon size of stubbornness ( is that even a word idk) but yeah, just really don’t like asking for help when I do have the capability of doing it on my own. That sucks. In addition, my dad wants me to be a very nice + obedient kid and do math and science EVERY DAY. And I’m crying now after looking at the mountain of worksheets/ books on my table to be completed by the end of the holidays. 

Btw this is a very very cool song; go check it out! 

 

hehe things that make me happy :))) 

photos maybe later ( from the shopping ) 

and I got myself a chocolate cake from Mccafe!!!! :)))) yayerzz 

so on sunday, my dad felt really bad that he was torturing me with math and science during the holidays even though I studied pretty hard ( for me) so he bought me a new phone. Also, because my iphone 4 was becoming an old grandmother and it was getting really really really sloooowwwwww. but look, hahaha ( I hate showing my face on photos ) but yup, 

out goes the old, in comes the new 

 

I’m grounded so I can’t go anywhere ( including any sort of inofficial school stuff ) which was sad because I really wanted to help with the Waddle banner. 😦 but, to cheer myself up, my sister and I made nutella cake in a mug! It was a really easy recipe and after eating the cake, I was so full I couldn’t eat dinner. And my mother came back from work with mini oranges!!! It was so cute I felt so bad for eating them but heheh, it was cute and good and ripe and juicy. 

OOOH CHRISTMAS IS COMING and my aunt already had her christmas tree up! hehe and it was pretty 🙂 here’s a picture! 

 

my family isn’t really into the tradition of christmas I guess, we sort of give each other stuff all the time so it’s the tradition that matters and not actually celebrating it right? Nevertheless, we are most probably going to put up a christmas tree next week! 🙂 

My sister has an annoying bunch of friends and they came over twice and I really detested their presence. Pshhh pics later bc i’m a lazy potato.

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introductory post

okayyyy my name is sneha and i’m 14, going 15 soon like in january! 🙂 

i have a gazillion blogs of my own (with the same name pshhh) but I haven’t updated them in ages and I wanted to start afresh and make this blog a good one 🙂 and so i’ll try my best hahahh

I LOVE LOVE writing stuff; like anything from poetry to fanfic ahaha but I write it for myself; to express emotions and stuff so usually I don’t publicise it and post it on various social networking sites. I LOVE LOVE LOVE dancing and I don’t think I would be able to live without it. It’s a totally new feeling performing every dance I practised to perfection and it’s a good feeling :)))) hehehe also I love baking; it’s one of those things I love and hate all at once bc I hate the cleaning part blehhh 😛 but you have to clean haisshhh but yeah 🙂
I could go on to say longer but maybe I shouldn’t hahah oohhh I LOVE FRENCH okay luvluv – I have friends who know how much I go craycray about that but yeah maybe I should bothering you guys hahah okay that’s it for now 🙂

heheh